The things they say about Microsoft
March 15th 2009 08:39
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.
Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie.
Dennis Miller
Now if Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed ... oh, he does.
Unknown
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.
Douglas Adams
The nice thing about Windows is that it does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
Arno Schaefer
People say that if you play Microsoft CDs backwards, you hear satanic things, but that’s nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows.
Unknown
If rebooting to solve software problems had been unacceptable to the Windows using community, Microsoft would not exist today.
Carol Spears
The only thing that I'd rather own than Windows is English, because then I could charge you two hundred and forty-nine dollars for the right to speak it.
Scott McNealy
Failure is not an option — it comes bundled with Windows.
Unknown
The ordinary person is like an ordinary 18th century piece of farm equipment — say, a wheelbarrow. He operates without much self-awareness. He will know he is in need of repair when his wheel falls off. But the hypochondriac is like a wheelbarrow designed by Microsoft. He has constant two-way communication between his body and himself. He is trying to perform ordinary tasks, such as lumbering up a hill with a load of fertilizer, when suddenly an icon flashes to tell him that rust has been detected on the starboard cotter pin.
Gene Weingarten
Too many 'innovators', especially in the US, are resting on their laurels collecting government monopoly profits. At least Microsoft got their monopolies with good old-fashioned misleading marketing, channel strong-arm tactics and predatory pricing. They worked for it!
Geoff Parker
Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Matt Welsh
We think our software is far more secure than open-source software. It is more secure because we stand behind it, we fixed it, because we built it. Nobody ever knows who built open-source software.
Steve Ballmer
When you say, "I wrote a program that crashed Windows," people just stare at you and say, "Hey, I got that with the system, for free."
Linus Torvalds
Windows 98 (n): 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.
Stan Brown
Windows supports general-purpose non-Microsoft applications in the same way that a rope can be said to support someone who will be soon hanged.
Jeff Holtzman
I love the way Microsoft follows standards. In much the same manner that fish follow migrating caribou.
Paul Tomblin
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Unknown
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Comment by Janet Collins
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I have to admit, I actually like windows because I worked on computers before they had been even suggested. Operating a computer then was a lot harder than it is now.
Good funny list, though.
Comment by Chris Champion
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Good point about relative ease of using Windows, and of course there is the reluctance some of us have - and I am a foundation member of the sentiment - to change.
Unfortunately, I may be forced to change. My business partner, Mr Whirlwind, is an Apple man. When he isn't iphoning a friend to sneer about the latest Microsoft security patch, he is working on his Apple notebook, which is the only thing in the known universe more elegant than a Julia Roberts smile.
I have no idea how to use one. But I want one.
Comment by alt_ed
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Comment by Chris Champion
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I had the same reaction. The man had never before been heard to say anything nasty. Even people with two heads and a name like Beeblebrox got a generally fair treatment from Douglas, so Bill must really have pissed him off.